Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve done a first page critique! As much as I loved the series, I simply could not find the time to post one every week.
But First Page Friday is back! However it will no longer be tied to Fridays and the name will change to simply “First Page Critique.” Continue reading
I’ve missed a few weeks of First Page Friday due to a family emergency. It’s not disappearing entirely so don’t worry! My paying clients just have to come first when I’m strapped for time. Continue reading
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
First Page Friday is back! It seems like it’s been forever. It was great to finally get back into my big stack of first page submissions again (and I think I picked a good one for today). Continue reading
First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate! Connect with other Novel Boot Camp participants:
Need a Critique Partner or Writing Friend? It’s not too late to join the meet and greet!
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
Erik admired the way his brother could smile through his bloodied face. Ozzie received a beating with all the regularity of a clock striking twelve, but this time it actually came at midnight. Ozzie crushed stalks of wheat as he fell, but he jumped up and struck back with his ten-year-old arms. He was no match for Jonas though. With four more years of hard farming labor over Ozzie, Jonas’s arms were twice the size and impacted his body like an axe to a tree. With a fist driven to his gut, Ozzie dropped to the ground again, struggling to breathe.
The skin on Erik’s face grew hot, but he just watched. He dug his hand in his pocket, found his rock and squeezed. There’s no use intervening; Jonas would just brutalize him like he did Ozzie. Nothing would be put to right. The rock pained his hand as his grasp constricted. There was a clamp on his stomach every time his brother got beat, but even if he did get the better of Jonas, there’d be hell to pay at home. Besides, Jonas was going to get his just desserts later anyway. Erik smirked and released the rock in his pocket.
“Are you idiots going to get back to work? Uncle Bauer won’t be happy if the harvest isn’t done before the storms come.” Erik said.
“Mind yer own business! Just had to finish teaching your brain-dead brother the same lesson as always.” Jonas strutted away giving his wrist a quick flick. “See you rats tomorrow. I gotta date with Lara.”
“A pretty girl like that…” Ozzie stammered between breaths, “ain’t gonna go for a moron like you.” But Jonas was already gone.
Erik approached his brother and shook his head when he saw Ozzie’s smile, like pearls in a stream of blood. “What’s wrong with you? Fighting him ain’t going to do no good.” He pulled Ozzie up. “You gotta stop getting him angry.”
Ozzie brushed his pants. “I didn’t even do anything; he just wants to be a tough guy. Someone’s gotta do something about it sometime.”
Erik patted down Ozzie’s shoulders brushing off dirt and broken stalks. “Don’t worry about that, he’s in for quite a surprise when he gets to Krause’s barn.”
Ozzie wiped his bloody mouth with the back of his arm. “Why’s that?”
Erik laughed. “You wanna get back at Jonas? You gotta know his weak spot; Lara. I once heard him singing about her hair smelling like dandelions! It’s pathetic. You know Elsa, right? I got her to write a letter pretending to be Lara. It says she’s always had a secret love for him and that he should go over to her family’s barn tonight because she’s got a special present for him.”
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.
Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue is my comments.
Orange is highlighting.
Erik admired the way his brother could smile through his bloodied face. Ozzie received a beating with all the regularity of a clock striking twelve, but this time it actually came at midnight. < I really like this line. Ozzie crushed stalks of wheat as he fell, but he jumped up and struck back with his ten-year-old arms. < His arms are ten years old? What about the rest of him? I’m just teasing. But I suggest you find another way to introduce his age. Also if Erik admires Ozzie, the assumption is going to be that Ozzie is older. If that’s the case, then Erik is probably too young to appeal to most MG readers. He was no match for Jonas though. With four more years of hard farming labor over Ozzie, Jonas’s arms were twice the size and impacted his body like an axe to a tree. With a fist driven to his gut, Ozzie dropped to the ground again, struggling to breathe.
Is this story about Erik or Ozzie? You open with Erik, which indicates to readers that he is the main character, but then the rest of the paragraph focuses on Ozzie. We even get details about Ozzie, like his age and the fact that he always gets beaten up. We don’t know anything about Erik.
The skin on Erik’s face grew hot, but he just watched. < Here you’re telling me that your character is inactive. If he’s the MC, this is a problem. He needs to be participating. He dug his hand in his pocket, found his rock and squeezed. There’s was no use intervening; Jonas would just brutalize him like he did Ozzie. Nothing would be put to right. The rock pained his hand as his grasp constricted. There was a clamp on his stomach every time his brother got beat, but even if he did get the better of Jonas, there’d be hell to pay at home. Besides, Jonas was going to get his just desserts later anyway. Erik smirked and released the rock in his pocket.
“Are you idiots going to get back to work? Uncle Bauer won’t be happy if the harvest isn’t done before the storms come.” Erik said. < They’re harvesting in the middle of the night? Why?
“Mind yer own business! Just had to finish teaching your brain-dead brother the same lesson as always.” <What lesson is he teaching him? As a reader, I expected the scene to focus on the fight and why it occurred. The fight not being addressed feels like a let down. Jonas strutted away giving his wrist a quick flick. “See you rats tomorrow. I gotta date with Lara.”
“A pretty girl like that…” Ozzie stammered between breaths, “ain’t gonna go for a moron like you.” But Jonas was already gone.
Erik approached his brother and shook his head when he saw Ozzie’s smile, his teeth like pearls in a stream of blood. “What’s wrong with you? Fighting him ain’t going to do no good.” He pulled Ozzie up. “You gotta stop getting him angry.” < I’m not sure what personality traits Erik has. Is he bossy towards his brother or caring? Is he afraid to intervene or not?
Ozzie brushed his pants. “I didn’t even do anything; he just wants to be a tough guy. Someone’s gotta do something about it sometime.”
Erik patted down Ozzie’s shoulders brushing off dirt and broken stalks. “Don’t worry about that, he’s in for quite a surprise when he gets to Krause’s barn.”
Ozzie wiped his bloody mouth with the back of his arm. “Why’s that?” < The blood makes this seem like upper middle grade (ages 10-12) but Ozzie’s age (10) makes it seem like lower middle grade. Remember that middle graders read about kids older than they are, not the same age or younger.
Erik laughed. “You wanna get back at Jonas? You gotta know his weak spot; Lara. I once heard him singing about her hair smelling like dandelions! It’s pathetic. You know Elsa, right? I got her to write a letter pretending to be Lara. It says she’s always had a secret love for him and that he should go over to her family’s barn tonight because she’s got a special present for him.” < I feel like I’m coming into the story a bit late. This seems like a solution that the reader should have been able to learn about as it was being conceived.
From this opening, I’m getting the impression that Erik is a fairly weak character – both in the sense that he is inactive and in the sense that his personality is not fully conceived/conveyed. I’m also not sure when this is set. The harvest makes me wonder if this is historical but it’s certainly not clear.
I’m not sure that you’re starting in the right place or getting the best details into this opening, but the writing was pretty smooth with a few lines that stood out (standing out is good!). Make sure that you keep your voice apparent because I do see a risk of slipping into a bland voicelessness.
But of course, since you’re participating in Novel Boot Camp, we’re going to get your novel polished to a shine!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
***Please read this entire section before submitting***
Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.
Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).
To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:
Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]
If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!
If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]
If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.
I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.
I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!
***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***
Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.
Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
In preparation for Novel Boot Camp, I will be hosting a meet-up session on my blog for writers who are looking for critique partners or writing friends to help keep them motivated. You do not have to participate in Novel Boot Camp to participate. Please come by on Monday and make some new friends!
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
A distraction was the last thing that Mark Ingle needed.
In the Two and a half years that he had been working for Wright and McConnell advertising agency, no other brief had been so difficult. He wondered, as he glanced out of the small window next to his desk, if he should even be there. Not only was this client’s brief challenging to say the least, last night’s argument with Gina had left him exhausted. It was becoming a habit. Two months ago, Gina had decided it was time that they took their relationship to the next level. This involved moving in to a small two room apartment in London together. Mark was beginning to think it was a bad idea.
The distraction appeared benign enough. Marks phone rang. It was the floor receptionist. ‘Mark, I have your sister, Elizabeth on the phone from Australia, she says it is important.’
‘Thanks Emma. Tell her I will call her back in ten minutes. He checked his email, shut his monitor off and stood to go to lunch. As he took his first step he saw his boss, Ian, striding between the petitions, coming his way.
‘Here we go.’ Mark said under his breath.
‘Where are you up to on the Hybrid?’ Ian asked, as if already knowing the answer.
‘Well, I’m getting there, but…’
‘But what? I get the feeling you’re doing a little too much shagging about on this one Mark.’
‘I would rather you gave this to someone else in copy sir.’ Mark regretted his tone before the words were all out. Ian’s response began calm enough.
‘I’m afraid that it is a bit late for that. You have been sitting- and I don’t use the word lightly- on this for a week. What the hell could your problem be with it anyway?’
‘It’s a farce. Who is going to fall for the sort of shite that I am expected to say about a Hybrid SUV that is the size of a Sherman tank? It’s better for the environment, CRAP! It uses less fuel than the car you are driving now, CRAP! It will cost you less in Congestion charge, At least that bit’s true, in fact it is the only reason the bloody thing exists. Why else would they only want to target London and surrounding counties? How many do you think will be sold in countries that don’t have congestion charge? ZIP!.. Oh, I suppose a few do-good Hollywood celebs will buy them.’ Mark could feel that his face had turned red and could see that Ian was quickly turning a similar hue.
‘I will tell you why people will buy them. They will buy them by the ship load because our advertisement tells them to buy them. They will buy them because our advertisements are considered the best in the business. I think young man that you are forgetting that this agency employs you to write copy, not to bang on with your own opinions!.. and write copy is exactly what you are going to do!’
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.
Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue is my comments.
Orange is highlighting.
A distraction was the last thing that Mark Ingle needed. < This is an opening sentence that I’ve seen a lot. That doesn’t mean it can’t or doesn’t work, but I point it out only because it doesn’t have the uniqueness or flair that it might have had at one time.
In the Two and a half years that he had been working for Wright and McConnell advertising agency, no other brief had been so difficult. He wondered, as he glanced out of the small window next to his desk, if he should even be there. Not only was this client’s brief challenging to say the least, last night’s argument with Gina had left him exhausted. It was becoming a habit. At this point I am already tired of the telling (rather than showing). I don’t know the character well enough to truly care and I want to get on with the story. I can learn the details of his relationship with Gina later. Two months ago, Gina had decided it was time that they took their relationship to the next level. This involved moving in to a small two room apartment in London together. Mark was beginning to think it was a bad idea.
The distraction appeared benign enough. Mark‘s phone rang. It was the floor receptionist. ‘Mark, I have your sister, Elizabeth on the phone from Australia, she says it is important.’
‘Thanks Emma. Tell her I will call her back in ten minutes. He checked his email, shut his monitor off and stood to go to lunch. As he took his first step he saw his boss, Ian, striding between the petitions, coming his way.
‘Here we go.’ Mark said under his breath.
‘Where are you up to on the Hybrid?’ Ian asked, as if already knowing the answer.
‘Well, I’m getting there, but…’
‘But what? I get the feeling you’re doing a little too much shagging about on this one Mark.’
‘I would rather you gave this to someone else in copy sir.’ Mark regretted his tone before the words were all out. Ian’s response began calm enough.
‘I’m afraid that it is a bit late for that. You have been sitting- and I don’t use the word lightly- on this for a week. What the hell could your problem be with it anyway?’ < This last bit of dialogue seems unnatural to me. I would reword it: ‘What the hell is your problem with it anyway?’
‘It’s a farce. Who is going to fall for the sort of shite that I am expected to say about a Hybrid SUV that is the size of a Sherman tank? It’s better for the environment, CRAP! It uses less fuel than the car you are driving now, CRAP! It will cost you less in Congestion charge, At least that bit’s true, in fact it is the only reason the bloody thing exists. Why else would they only want to target London and surrounding counties? How many do you think will be sold in countries that don’t have congestion charge? ZIP!.. Oh, I suppose a few do-good Hollywood celebs will buy them.’ < I don’t know enough about Mark for this rant to feel authentic or passionate. Without the emotional buildup that the character experienced (which the reader didn’t experience), the dialogue has no impact. Mark could feel that his face had turned red and could see that Ian was quickly turning a similar hue.
‘I will tell you why people will buy them. They will buy them by the ship load because our advertisement tells them to buy them. They will buy them because our advertisements are considered the best in the business. I think young man that you are forgetting that this agency employs you to write copy, not to bang on with your own opinions!.. and write copy is exactly what you are going to do!’
I’m not getting crime fiction or thriller from this opening at all. I would expect this to be realistic fiction about the dangers of sacrificing your beliefs for your job.
There’s nothing really wrong with the writing, but it’s a bit flat/unemotional. Forming that emotional connection to the reader is vital in making any story work.
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
***Please read this entire section before submitting***
Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.
Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).
To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:
Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]
If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!
If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]
If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.
I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.
I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!
***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***
Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.
Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
Ellen Brock 